and then they just let me go.

“I wouldn’t have it.  I’m telling you I wouldn’t have it.  If they could talk, if animals could talk.  I wouldn’t have to do anything about it though.  Really, your putting water in the cat dish, it splashes, you don’t do it on purpose, but some of  the Surf ‘n Turf gets wet and there she is, but there’s no meow, there’s just ‘wow, hey, watch it buddy, jesus.  I’d get my own water but fuck, you know that gallon jug you got weighs more than I do.  Hey, don’t look at me like your pissed, I’m just sitting here relying upon you for food, oh yeah, and water, thanks.  No, don’t worry about it, I’ll eat it, I have to right, I’m the cat, I’ll be ok, it all goes in the same hole right, it’s not like you’d do something about it if I couldn’t talk anyway right.’  Only it wouldn’t stop there.  The shitting would be incredible, it would be like, ‘he, um yeah, excuse me, hey sorry, I know your watching a movie, yeah, um, I’m done in there so could you just you know, could you take the shit away please?  Thanks, love ya.’  but it would never get that far, all their fucking talking!  it’d be way back when.  they’d be like No Way.  We’d be telling ourselves stories like to our kids, the’d be incredulouse.  We’d insist, no realy, once, animals talked, and the kids’ed be like, What happened?, kids like the idea of talking animals really, I mean what are they anyway, but anyway I’d say to my kids Id be like, what do you mean what happened?, we fucking killed them all’s what happened.” im thirsty.

“So she asks me, ‘Was this a dream?’ she asks me this.  This was her response.  Can you believe that?  Of course it was a question officer, thay ALWAYS ask you questions.  She was not psychological, I mean she was a shrink, but not like that, I mean she sucked.  She had a colorful sweater, it was grandmotherly right?  You know.  There was a desk in her office, that was a point for her right, but it faced a wall, get it?  I made excuses for her all day like this.  I was always looking for soemthing to give her credit for, FUCK!!”

“I would like some water now please.” I ask him, cuz you don’t tell a cop anything.  He nods his head to the other guy and makes a pointing gesture with his hand but it feels more like he is making it with his finger.  Its like he threw something towards the water he wanted the guy to get and the guy fetched it, you know, the thing he threw, it was the water, he brought it back too.

“As I was saying, she didn’t look uncomfortable, neither of us were.  She was the recording type, not the note pad type.  Like these fucking things.” I toss towards the note pad like he did to the other guy for the water.  No one moves.  the pad just sits there.  “Anyway, Im not writing this shit down, I mean, tape me right, like she did.  Thats ok, Ill say it.  It’s ok to tape this instead alright.”  I say this to the window, but I don’t think I warant soemone behind the glass, not for this at least.

“I mean officer, or detective, anyway I mean I wish someone was there to see it.  I wish that there had been an imartial witness to my expression, to the expression on my face.  An impartial witness to see my face when she said that, when she asked me if it was a dream, if I was telling her about a fucking dream.  Was it a dream.  That bitch.  Did I say it was a dream!”

The water is good.

“‘Do you want to talk about something else?’ she tells me.  No I didn’t mean she asked me, she told me, they tell you.  Thats how they do it.  I swear, it was like she was being paid by someone else to say all of this unbelievable shit to me, to really fire me up and then send me out into the world with a gun and two boxes of ammo.” I don’t smoke but thats when I would have put out my cigarette.  I used to smoke and there is nothing better than a person who knows when to ash and knows when to put that fucker out.  “Do I want to talk about something else, hmm, let me think about that I tell her.”

“So she doesn’t say anything for like a minute.  A Minute!”  I emphasize with them.  “Thats a long time to eyeball a fucking shrink, anyways she was telling me again, ya see it?  Of course you do.  She just sits there and lets her last question just float and shit and fill the air in the room like a crap in the pants.  So I say, hey, I mean, I’m talking about it right?  Now I feel all gay, I tell her this, exactly, I say I feel like I need to, like I’m saying hey, will you talk about this with me?  Like.” But its still hard to talk about.  I don’t want to even think about it, about loneliness.

“So she tells me, she says, ‘Isn’t that what were doing?’ she didn’t cut me off or anything, its just hard, it, I was there for stuff.  Its just hard.  Anyway so I realized what I wanted to say to her but I stopped because when I realized what it was I was getting to, you know, I realized how ashamed I was for wanting it, for expecting it, from anyone.  Thats when I made up my mind.  So I ask her, ‘How much time do we have left?’ and she tells me half hour or so and we can go longer if I need to and all that shit and I say Good!  Good, cuz I may need to.  You know?  I tell her that I wan’t to spend the rest of my time telling her what, you know, calling her names and shit and just realy telling her what the fuck, that shes a fuckign monster and all that shit, all this, you know, what I’m telling you, all the shit she was doing, the just mercilouse shit she said to me in there!  I said, ‘Im gonna tell you all about the fucking bitch that you are and anything else I can posibly think of, its my time, I paid for it, now shut the fuck up, right?  Is that ok with you?  Any ways so I don’t even get that out.” I tell him.  The other guy in the room has become a non entity.  Thats what they call it when someone doesn’t mean anything.  So then the door opens and some shit walks in.  He’s in uniform.  Total side story here but, when youre like out on the street and you see a cop and the uniform and all that and it’s just so official, its like, thats a cop, do what he says and all that.  Inside a presinct, or jail or whatever, inside the police department, thats it, inside the police department, its the guys that don’t have uniforms on that got that, in charge feeling, that they are the ones that tell the cops what to do.  Those guys come up and its like, oh shit, this guys in charge, do what he says.


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